xnera: Icon of Draco Malfoy, captioned "I'm rather empowered." (I'm rather empowered.)
Have fooooooooood. Am appeased.

Also, am GODMOTHER. Not officially yet (that's not until march or so), but yes, Lori & Gary asked me to be the godmother to Sir Squeaky the Squirmy, aka Justin. Am so, so excited. He's so, so adorable. I was hanging out with him yesterday at my parents' house, even before they asked me. Just having fun talking to him and letting him squeeze my fingers. He opened his eyes for me. :D This is good as he's been sleeping waaaaaaaaaay too much, so it was nice to see those eyes.

Consolidations have sped up at work, so now I'm having fun. It's NICE to have something to do. Plus the office is quiet so it's more like hanging out than working. There's also a thunderstorm going on, whee! Though I have to say it was really, really weird to go out for breakfast and see nobody on the street. Only thing that was open was Walgreens (they're open 365 days a year) and Dunkin' Donuts. Better than nothing.
xnera: Icon of Draco Malfoy, captioned "I'm rather empowered." (I'm rather empowered.)
Happy Thanksgiving! Today, I am really thankful for my Raina, and for [livejournal.com profile] stupidpetowners which has helped me to be a more involved kitty mommy and knowledgeable about pet care in general. I am grateful that I had the courage to see a psychiatrist, and that the first drug we tried is working well. :D I am thankful for the Paxil CR, which has made it easier to live my daily life. I am so, so thankful for my family. My immediate family for the good times we had together while I was growing up. And for the gift of new family members: my brothers-in-law and their families, and the all the kidlets--especially the two new ones on the way, who have helped me realise how important family is.

And I'm thankful for all of you. You have brought so much wonderfulness into my life. And I'm thrilled that the Paxil is making me more open to others. I've noticed that I'm delighted when people IM me now, instead of being a bit annoyed because I was busy doing something. I'm much more likely to take time out to spend with others, and that is a great gift.

I went to bed early last night (around ten), so I woke up around 6:15. And was well awake, so I just went ahead and got up. And played Boggle. :D I also played with Raina, and spent much time reading various LiveJournal stuff. I share some with you!

If Voldemort smoked, he would smoke this brand.

I want to sick Ela on this person. >:O!!!. Luckily, tons of folks have already addressed the issue.

And now I am going to play actual video games (NOT BOGGLE!) on my PS2. Because I've been saying for ages that I'm going to play some, but I never do. OMG, so much to play:

* Eye Toy: Groove
* Dance Dance Revolution Extreme 2
* Katamari Damashii (I WILL BEAT STAR SEVEN!!)
* Sonic Mega Collection Plus
* Buffy: Chaos Bleeds (was stuck on an annoying level with Cid)
* Final Fantasy VII

Roughly the order I'm going to play them, too.

Still not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I will hop a train to Milwaukee. :D If not, I am going to code, play video games, clean the house, go see Harry Potter, and possibly buy Eye Toy: Kinetic, if I see it at the stores.
xnera: Icon of a gray kitten. Caption reads: "Warning: Vampire Kitty. Call me 'bunny' and I'll bite you." (Don't mess with me)
not a fun trip home tonight )
Anyway. This whole riding-buses-with-crushes thing has got me pondering transportation while dating. As many of you know, I didn't start seriously dating until I moved in to my condo. My first boyfriend still lived at home, and didn't drive. I mean, not at all. Wouldn't even borrow his dad's car to go out with me. So I drove all the time. He also wouldn't stay over here, which meant I had to drive him home late at night when I was verrrrrrrrry tired and wanted to sleep and it was snowing and my bed was IN THE NEXT ROOM but no, I had to go make a 40-minute round trip to drive him home. *fumes* >:o!!!

Roger drove, and he sometimes would come down here for the weekend. And he'd do almost all the driving when I was up there, but yeah, I usually drove up there for weekends, 'cause his place was bigger.

I feel like I'm kind of getting in the mood to date again. It's definitely been a while since I've had any kind of real crush, and I admit I do like this guy. I don't know ANYTHING about him, really, but still, I like him. And we're on the same bus route (mostly), and not terribly far from each other. I don't think he's interested in me, which is a bit of a bummer but not terribly so, but still, just the idea of OMG GUY I LIKE! has me thinking of the logistics of dating.

Would you date someone who didn't have a car? Well, would you?

[Poll #599802]

Time for dinner. Maybe I will play a videogame tonight, since I HAVE NO NETFLIX DVDS TO WATCH! >:o!!!


Oct. 25th, 2005 10:19 am
xnera: Icon captioned "a woman bracing herself." (tough times)
My step-grandmother Alvina passed away in her sleep. :(

I wish I could have seen her one last time. The last time I saw her was when I went down for the Disney Half-marathon. That was, what, three, four years ago? I wish I could be there for the funeral. I didn't get to go to Grandma Ruth's funeral, either. That's what sucks about living far away from relatives.

I have to make sure that I send my grandfather a sympathy card. I'll need to get the new address from my parents. They moved into a trailer park recently, and I don't have the new address.

Waah. Alvina was so very cool. I loved her. She was the sweetest person. Always had snacks out. Served dessert RIGHT AFTER DINNER, I MEAN RIGHT NOW!!! She was an extra in Cocoon (or possibly the second one, I forget which). She thought family was very important, and would be very upset if she didn't receive cards for holidays and birthdays. She was just so very cool, and an awesome step-grandma. I'll miss her.

yay! help!

Sep. 28th, 2005 06:16 pm
xnera: Icon of Draco Malfoy, captioned "I'm rather empowered." (I'm rather empowered.)
I only got two of my three errands done tonight. And one of them didn't go so well, because the store was out of the thing that I was most eager to get. GRR! I got all wibbly and panicky. Between that, walking in the rain, and carrying a LOT of stuff, I walked in the house feeling pretty damn bad.

Mom left me a message, asking me to call her. Uh-oh.

But! It wasn't uh-oh! It was SQUEE!!!


She's going to do the kitchen, dining room and bathroom. This is great! This means I can spend the time doing other things. We're going to order pizza, too, so it'll be fun.

Dad is dropping off the carpet cleaner tomorrow. So I want to finish picking things up in the living room so the house looks welcoming. Going to rest for a few minutes and take some deep breaths and then do that. I'm still kind of shaky. Just, starting to get overwhelmed, you know? I knew there was a lot to do, but it's getting to me. So this makes me doubly glad that I'm going to have some help with the cleaning.

Things left to do:

* Put away papers that are on the living room floor from when I sorted them last week.
* Pick up any remaining items in the living room.
* Pick up newspapers on kitchen floor from cleaning oven.
* Throw out garbage.
* File papers in library.
* Pick up any remaining items in library.
* Move the new computer into the cubbyhole so it's no longer on top of my desk.
* Vacuum rug in all rooms.
* Clean rug in all rooms.
* Wash windows.
* Errand #1.
* Errand #2.
* Party stuff.
* Get food! I also need a new shower liner and some picture frames.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
In which xnera tames the chocolate craving, and respects her inner emotions.

The New Math

Photography club meetings + extensive Aragorn postage by [livejournal.com profile] princess_jules = dreams of going on a photography jaunt with Viggo Mortensen

I'm such a geek.

"Unhand me, you ruffian!"

So way back when I complained that I needed some sort of schtick for my blog. I have thought up of one: Hatrack Social Columnist.

Seriously. Lately every other post I make has something to do with Hatrack. This one's no different.

The ladies of Hatrack have began to dabble in writing romances. It is painful to read the thread. See, they're treating it like romances are easy to write, and are Not Real Literature. I kind of agree with that second part. As long as I have been dreaming of writing, I never wanted to write romance. General fiction, scifi, and memoir, sure, but never romance, because I felt it would be beneath me, somehow.

So you can understand my frustration whenever I sit down to write and all that comes out is... romance.

I am longing to participate in the Hatrack thread. Maybe if I do, I can get all the romance out of my system and I can move on to Real Stuff. But there's also this fear that once I start down the path of romance, I'll never be able to turn back.

Oh, the conflict! The drama! It's funny--I often say I hate conflict and try to avoid it, but I certainly create enough drama in my life.

A Quiet Alarum

I am worried about Saudade. She keeps saying she is fine, but her words speak otherwise. *sends vibes of strength and safety Saudade's way*

Love, that curious condition

So the past few weeks in therapy I've been struggling to come up with a definition of love, and failing spectularly.

At the end of today's session, I remarked that my younger sister is pregnant again (AND her due date is the day after my birthday! WOOHOO!). I also said that I love my two nephews, and I am sure I will love the next neice of nephew just as much.

To which Debbie pointed out "You just said you love your nephews, and it slipped right out of you. So obviously you know what love is."


Well, yes. I love my nephews, and I'm sure of that. But isn't it my obligation as an aunt to love them? It's just like I love my parents and my sisters. Love is family, and family is love.

*thinks some more* One of the reasons I love my nephews is they so obviously love me, which boggles the mind. Kyle's loved me all his life. Even when he was still too young to get a sense of who I am, he loved me. He accepts me unconditionally, and that amazes me. I love him for this. But I also love him because I can watch his personality develop. It's amazing and it's wonderful.

*thinks still more* I also spent several minutes in therapy today--and here I interrupt myself to say geesh, might as well just start doing my therapy sessions on webcam, if I'm going to come home and write up the whole thing. Anyway, as I was saying, in therapy today I also talked about how Roger has always accepted me for who I am, even when I thought I was at my ugliest (emotionally, nto physically. I'm too darn cute to be ugly physically), darkest, and weakest. It's amazing, how he can be okay with the things I think would drive everyone away.

So is that love? Is love acceptance of someone for who they are, completely? Or is it something more than that?

Double the pleasure, double the fun!

I've decided to start posting entries in the blog again, as well as LiveJournal. Part of this has to do with my frustration over LJ's wonkiness lately, but then again Blogger has it's own issues. But truthfully, I miss the blog. For some reason it's easier for me to write in it. Maybe because it's MINE. It's on my personal webspace, and I designed the template, and it's RED. Or maybe it's just a nostalgia thing. Either way, the posts are now going to be at both the blog and LJ, so if one of them is down, try the other.

Off to buy new catfood, as Raina keeps puking the current brand up.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Flowers)
Excitement and fear, hope and worry, answers and questions, all tossed in a blender and pure├Ęd == eyes springing open with a BOING! sound when a tired xnera lays down to sleep.

It all started a week ago Friday when I finally went back to therapy. I woke up that morning feeling good. Because I had something to do that day. Because I was taking care of my self. Because I was finally taking some baby steps. Hope returned.

That evening I went to a meeting of the local camera club. The members were warm and welcoming, and I saw so many beautiful pictures. My heart cried out with joy. This is where I belong, surrounded by these creative people who can see beauty in the ordinary, who tell stories with camera, film and light. I went home that night exhausted and energized, ready to be creative myself, and ready to find other sources of creativity.

The surge of positiveness carried through the weekend. Monday came, and suddenly I was sending out resumes and applying to jobs. I did my taxes and sent them in, so that I would get a refund quickly and wouldn't have to rely on my parents for money so much. I was doing good. I was on a roll.

But then came Valentine's day.

It had been on my mind for a while. How could it not? I had met my boyfriend on Valentine's 2002, when I decided to go out with friends instead of sitting home alone moping. The start of our relationship was rooted in the romantic, a perfect story to tell the grandchildren sometime. So as Valentine's 2003 loomed near, I began to feel the pressure of our relationship and what exactly it meant. And I couldn't figure it out. I wish I knew exactly where we were headed, if we were really meant to be. I wish I could tell him I loved him and I'd be his forever. It would make such a good story, and I do love my fairytales.

But I could not. I'm still confused about this crazy little thing called love, what it is, what it entails, what it means. I could not bring myself to say the words, knowing that they might not be true. We had a nice Valentine's day. He made London broil and lit the fire, and I dressed up nice. It was comfy and cozy and yes, a bit romantic. It was what I needed it to be. It just wasn't what I wished it could be.

So the doubts started creeping back in. Doubts about my relationship, about who I am and where I'm headed in life, and it was in this sad state of mind when I realized late Saturday night that Sunday would be the four month anniversary of my firing from my job. Four months of unemployment, with only two months of benefits left.

I plummented. I had scary thoughts of giving up and giving in. It was a long, long night, but I survived, which sometimes is all I can do.

For most of Sunday I was quiet and withdrawn, worried, plagued with doubts about everything in my life. But I managed to play LOTR Risk with Roger, even laughing a bit in the process. And then we sat down on the couch to play some Buffy and some Munch, and we leaned on each others' shoulders as we passed the controller back and forth when our characters died, and I was reminded of just how comfortable I am around him and how much I simply enjoy his company.

Sunday evening I opened up and we had a long talk about various things. It was good.

Things are starting to look up. I had a phone interview this morning for a very promising position that would pay the same as my old job, but would have flexible hours and more opportunities to be creative. I'm really excited about the position, but there's also fear. What if I can't handle all the phone work it requires? What if I miscalculate the traveling time requirements and am late to an appointment? I am worried, but I am sure a little worry is normal. Right now my job is to complete the video presentation and get it in the mail by Friday. That's what I need to focus on.

This evening I received an email from an author whose work I highly admire and whose bullentin board I frequent regularly, inviting me to participate in a private listserv she's setting up. I'm honored and thrilled at the invitation, and looking forward to interacting with the list members.

So yes, things have been looking up. But the worry and doubt are still there, looming large enough to keep me awake at night when I should be sleeping soundly. I'm excited about the future, but I wonder if I will ever be worry-free.


Jan. 29th, 2003 09:32 am
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)

My new nephew, Connor, was born at 8:03 this morning, weighing 9 pounds and 11 ounces and measuring 22 inches long. Sounds like everything went well.

Big brother Kyle just turned three on Dec. 30th.

Can't wait to see the pictures!
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Burns Depression Checklist Score: 21 (Moderate Depression)

When you're depressed, you often have problems making decisions.

In a few hours, a group of friends from several states are gathering together to watch The Two Towers together.

In a few hours, my newphew's third birthday party will be starting.

Which to attend? I struggled with this decision for days. Being unemployed means I've lost the social interaction of the workplace. These days, the only person I see socially is my boyfriend. It would be good to go to the LOTR party, meet some new people, have some fun. Additionally, since they don't know me well, there would be no constant questioning about the job search. I could relax, be myself, and not worry about things for a few hours.

But then there's my nephew, who loves me unconditionally (which still amazes me). How could I miss his party? But going to his party meant facing my family. Whether they know it or not, they're a constant reminder of my unmarried, jobless state. It makes me feel uneasy, and stressed, and a bit small.

It'd be so easy to go to the movie so I could have some fun, but deep down I know it'd be running away. I've been doing that too much these days. It's time I start facing up to my fears. So I've decided that even though it's the harder thing to do, I'm going to my nephew's party. And if they ask how the job search's going, I'll smile and say, "Not bad, but I'd love to hear any ideas or suggestions you might have." I WILL get through this--this whole depression thing.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
It is Christmas Eve, and I should be home cleaning the house or making cookies or petting my cat, but instead I am at my boyfriend's house (even though he is in Vegas right now) where it is clean and spacious and empty in a way that's different from home. Here I feel almost normal, and a little bit stronger.

What is it about the holidays? Every year I throw myself into them, decorating the house, shopping for presents, singing songs of the seasons, and making a truckload of cookies. And every year I inevitably become depressed. I try to make the season magical and special for all, and I fail.

Why do I feel the need to please others so much? To be accepted, to fit in? This year I've been busy hand-sewing presents for others, while my own tree goes sadly lacking decoration. Why do I need to put others before myself?

I just have so many questions these days.

*sigh* I'd better go home.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Am going to the opera tonight. Whee!

This was a last minute thing, though -- just found out yesterday. Need to leave house within two hours to meet Roger downtown. Which means I must start getting ready.

I have clean dressy clothes, but they must be ironed. I'm low on clean unmentionables and have no hose. And the house is a mess and I had hoped to clean it up before Roger comes over tonight.

I have to at least hide his Christmas present. Hasn't been wrapped yet.

Meanwhile, I finally applied to two jobs yesterday, as my money situation has hit rock bottom. Nothing like threat of bankruptcy to get one's butt in gear.

Have not been able to sleep all week due to financial stress. Wah.

What am I doing typing here? I have to get ready!


Oct. 11th, 2002 03:45 pm
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Colleen is singing to me.

She is singing a song of longing, of woulda-shoulda-coulda beens, of what life would be like if the world was perfect. The melody is familiar: it may not be original. I strain my ears, but can only hear half the words, because it is a song that can never be.

Tomorrow morning my mom will come over and we will work on our resumes. I for a job I do not want, doing the same work I'm doing now; she for the job she's held for the past ten years.

I am weary. I keep making mistake after mistake until I am not sure if there is such a thing as the right thing to do. Maybe there's only whatever is done. Whatever will be, will be.

I do not think they know how I am hurting. I must be allowed to talk. I must allow myself to speak.


Oct. 9th, 2002 04:15 pm
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
So if you haven't figured it out already, yesterday I was in The Dark Place. Survived by burying my face in Raina's fur, which means I have been sneezing non-stop today. Snot tastes so lovely... NOT! But there's a nice drawback to the misery of the allergies: it makes me feel alive and normal, which I so sorely needed today.

Also quite glad I have a session with my therapist tonight. Perfect timing, that.

TsuKata: have fun tonight! I know you will, 'cause you're evil. *grin* SEND ME DETAILS!

Only forty more minutes and then I get to go home, yay!
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
I'm sufferring from post-Ethernet upgrade depression.

Like all slash relationships, the branch merger/Ethernet upgrade was filled with hardship and angst. The hardship would be the long hours of overtime spent trying to converse with three people at once. By the end of the weekend I wanted to tell everyone else to leave; I'd finish the damn upgrade on my own. I felt like everyone was demanding things of me. Which they were.

Unfortunately this feeling has melted over into my personal life. I've been wondering the past few days where others end and I begin. Do I really know who I am apart from my friends and family, or am I defined by them? No wonder I've been such a crab.

This is why I really appreciate one of TsuKata's birthday gifts to me. It's a book called Kokology, subtitled "the game of self-discovery". I could use some self-discovery right now.

Anyway... please bear with me for the next week or so. It'll take a while before I get my seats and tray tables back in their full, upright position. And Roger, honey... I meant what I said the other night. I'm scared and confused and I don't know what I want these days, but I'm not going to let my fears chase me away this time.

Okay. Bedtime. Sleep is good.


Oct. 3rd, 2002 07:19 am
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
I know what to get TsuKata for her birthday!

eek, this is going to take a lot of work. Hope I have enough time to do it all.

*runs off to make a list of necessary items*


Oct. 2nd, 2002 10:23 pm
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Got Chinese take-out earlier this week. Have eaten two fortune cookies (though i did NOT eat the fortunes).

Fortune Number One: It is easier to make friends than to keep them.

Spooky. Lately I've been questioning why I'm friends with one particular person. It seems like our opinions differ in ways that grate on me, and we've had many a difficulty in our short friendship. At the same time, I've been thinking about reaching out and becoming better friends with some acquaintances of mine. Am I taking the easy way out by dumping my old friend for new ones? Seems like this cookie was spot on.

Fortune Number Two: Keep your plans secret for now.

Spooky redux. As I mentioned in a previous thread, I've been wondering whether or not to tell my account manager that I'm thinking of finding a new job. Is the cookie trying to tell me something?

I do tarot every once in a while with a friend. The cards never work for her, yet they always are spot-on for me. Does this mean I'm more in tune with the paranormal? Actually, I've always been good at seeing patterns and making connections, so I think it's just easier for me to find meaning in places when there really is none.

*goes for another cookie* You are very expressive and positive in words, act, and feeling.

*blinks* Now THAT's a good fortune to get the night before your annual performance review!


xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)

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