Life's work

Mar. 6th, 2003 12:31 pm
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
So, more about the potential job. Here's the description. Basically, Microsoft is looking to get more business from the education sector. So the Microsoft salespeople contact eductors and schools and ask if they're interested in Microsoft's products. If they say yes, then I go to the school and give a razzle-dazzle presentation on all the neat things that Microsoft products can do for you.

Now, there's several things that attract me to this job:

  • FLEXIBLE HOURS! I set my own schedule.
  • Allows me to show off my expertise on the Microsoft Office Suite.
  • I will be dealing primarily with teachers and school officials, an area I have been thinking about entering myself.
  • Allows me to use my creativity, which I desperately need in a job.
  • New sites and faces everyday, which will keep the job interesting. And I'm already planning on bringing my camera along so I can take photos of the neighborhoods I'm visiting.
  • Oh, and did I mention FLEXIBLE HOURS!!!!!

So I really, really, REALLY want this job. Yesterday I called the recruiter back and left her a voicemail. I politely reminded her of who I was, asked if she had received my videotape, asked if the position was still open, and expressed my interest again. I think it went well. Only drawback is that I now feel glued to the phone in case she calls back.

I've been thinking a lot this week about jobs. It really is important to me that my work involves creativity of some kind. To my surprise I find myself thinking of using my creativity in the context of technology. I'm thinking about desktop publishing, web design, DVD authoring, computer aided instruction. I want to learn more about Adobe and Macromedia products. Heck, I even want to be certified in them! So I guess I'm not really done with the computer industry; I'm just done with the support aspect of it.

But really, my greatest desire right now is to be a consumer. Oh, to have money! To be able to buy anything I want! It's becoming such a fascination that I'm beginning to feel my life's goal is to spend money, which I'm not entirely comfortable with. But the truth is that most things I want to do cost money. Here's another list for you:

  • Replace the vanity in my bathroom. I have a teeny tiny bathroom, which means almost no counter space, which means the bathroom always looks cluttered with my combs and hairspray and toothpaste scattered around the sink. My current vanity has one large door. I want a vanity with DRAWERS so I can shove some of the stuff in there. Cost: ~$200, more if I get a new countertop and sink as well.
  • Upgrade the computer and buy new software so I can be more creative:

    • Memory: $30-$100
    • Windows XP: $300
    • Office XP Pro: $450
    • Adobe Photoshop: $600
    • Macromedia Flash MX: $500
    • Plus others to be determined at a later time

  • A DVD player, so I don't have to watch movies on my computer anymore. ~$200
  • A new microwave. Mine's on its last x-rays. ~$100
  • A personal website to launch a freelance business. $100-$150 for domain registration and hosting fees.

And that's just a few things on my list. I'm frustrated that I can't just go out and buy some more memory whenever I want. That I have to be careful with my money. I want some freedom, dammit.

I need a job.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Any minute now I'm going to pick up the phone and followup on that job interview I had a few weeks ago.

Any minute now.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Flowers)
Excitement and fear, hope and worry, answers and questions, all tossed in a blender and pure├Ęd == eyes springing open with a BOING! sound when a tired xnera lays down to sleep.

It all started a week ago Friday when I finally went back to therapy. I woke up that morning feeling good. Because I had something to do that day. Because I was taking care of my self. Because I was finally taking some baby steps. Hope returned.

That evening I went to a meeting of the local camera club. The members were warm and welcoming, and I saw so many beautiful pictures. My heart cried out with joy. This is where I belong, surrounded by these creative people who can see beauty in the ordinary, who tell stories with camera, film and light. I went home that night exhausted and energized, ready to be creative myself, and ready to find other sources of creativity.

The surge of positiveness carried through the weekend. Monday came, and suddenly I was sending out resumes and applying to jobs. I did my taxes and sent them in, so that I would get a refund quickly and wouldn't have to rely on my parents for money so much. I was doing good. I was on a roll.

But then came Valentine's day.

It had been on my mind for a while. How could it not? I had met my boyfriend on Valentine's 2002, when I decided to go out with friends instead of sitting home alone moping. The start of our relationship was rooted in the romantic, a perfect story to tell the grandchildren sometime. So as Valentine's 2003 loomed near, I began to feel the pressure of our relationship and what exactly it meant. And I couldn't figure it out. I wish I knew exactly where we were headed, if we were really meant to be. I wish I could tell him I loved him and I'd be his forever. It would make such a good story, and I do love my fairytales.

But I could not. I'm still confused about this crazy little thing called love, what it is, what it entails, what it means. I could not bring myself to say the words, knowing that they might not be true. We had a nice Valentine's day. He made London broil and lit the fire, and I dressed up nice. It was comfy and cozy and yes, a bit romantic. It was what I needed it to be. It just wasn't what I wished it could be.

So the doubts started creeping back in. Doubts about my relationship, about who I am and where I'm headed in life, and it was in this sad state of mind when I realized late Saturday night that Sunday would be the four month anniversary of my firing from my job. Four months of unemployment, with only two months of benefits left.

I plummented. I had scary thoughts of giving up and giving in. It was a long, long night, but I survived, which sometimes is all I can do.

For most of Sunday I was quiet and withdrawn, worried, plagued with doubts about everything in my life. But I managed to play LOTR Risk with Roger, even laughing a bit in the process. And then we sat down on the couch to play some Buffy and some Munch, and we leaned on each others' shoulders as we passed the controller back and forth when our characters died, and I was reminded of just how comfortable I am around him and how much I simply enjoy his company.

Sunday evening I opened up and we had a long talk about various things. It was good.

Things are starting to look up. I had a phone interview this morning for a very promising position that would pay the same as my old job, but would have flexible hours and more opportunities to be creative. I'm really excited about the position, but there's also fear. What if I can't handle all the phone work it requires? What if I miscalculate the traveling time requirements and am late to an appointment? I am worried, but I am sure a little worry is normal. Right now my job is to complete the video presentation and get it in the mail by Friday. That's what I need to focus on.

This evening I received an email from an author whose work I highly admire and whose bullentin board I frequent regularly, inviting me to participate in a private listserv she's setting up. I'm honored and thrilled at the invitation, and looking forward to interacting with the list members.

So yes, things have been looking up. But the worry and doubt are still there, looming large enough to keep me awake at night when I should be sleeping soundly. I'm excited about the future, but I wonder if I will ever be worry-free.


Jan. 7th, 2003 05:42 pm
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
I am supposed to be searching for a job.

Instead I am googling for "darkroom rental", considering opening a Cafe Press shop, authoring a VCD, thinking about taking violin lessons, and sketching a design for a personal website.

My boyfriend tells me to get another computer job. I can see the logic of this. It'd probably be easy to get one since that's what I've done for the past nine years. But my soul cries out "Nay! We would wither and die in such a place!".

All I want is a job that will let me be creative. Is that too much to ask?
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Am going to the opera tonight. Whee!

This was a last minute thing, though -- just found out yesterday. Need to leave house within two hours to meet Roger downtown. Which means I must start getting ready.

I have clean dressy clothes, but they must be ironed. I'm low on clean unmentionables and have no hose. And the house is a mess and I had hoped to clean it up before Roger comes over tonight.

I have to at least hide his Christmas present. Hasn't been wrapped yet.

Meanwhile, I finally applied to two jobs yesterday, as my money situation has hit rock bottom. Nothing like threat of bankruptcy to get one's butt in gear.

Have not been able to sleep all week due to financial stress. Wah.

What am I doing typing here? I have to get ready!
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
I have just submitted an application to a recruiting company.

It's worth a try. That's how I found my last two jobs. And maybe a recruiter can help me figure out where I should go next.

Wow, I did something productive today. Go me!

Off to do a little dancing, followed by showering.
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
Unemployment is boring. Waah. Thinking about volunteering to do computer work for the AIDS foundation. Or maybe create and maintain databases for Friends of the Park. It would pass the time, at least.

Have taken to checking every hour to see if anyone is viewing my resume. Have only received two hits. Waah. Still, two hits in twenty-four hours are better than nothing.

Have also received following job opportunity in email (discerning information edited to protect the innocent):

Dear Confidential:

My name is Senor Buttmonkey. I'm a Pompously-titled Executive with Spin-off, a division of World-Domination Financial Company. We are in the midst of an explosive growth phase in the Chicago area (the pods are reproducing much faster than anticipated) and I am training people for Swindling the Customer Into Believing Their Getting a Great Deal When Actually We're Sucking the Life-Force Out Of Them roles.

Our local office leads the Midwest in developing corporate drones and we would like to give you an opportunity to be the next "Yes Sir!" loser. I have three openings available to meet with you in the next five days. You will need to call me to confirm an appointment as I am far too busy playing golf and planning to overtake the planet via economic manipulation to do anything besides have my secretary send impersonal emails.

Although other Spin-off offices may contact you, it is in your best interest to select the team that has the greatest mindwashing techniques so you won't even realize how miserable you are with our company.

Preliminary info can be found at our snazzy website -- except it won't tell you a thing about what we do or what your "job" will entail. We wouldn't want to scare you away.

I am looking forward to breaking you of your self-will.

Yeah, that's so the job for me.

(sidenote: must get cable modem when new job is procured. Getting damned sick of being tossed offline just as I'm about to post. Waah.)
xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)
I like this quiz. Good quizzes are not obvious; you can't easily manipulate the quiz in order to get a desirable result. I've taken the color quiz many times before, and am always amazed at how spot-on it is. Read on and discover my innermost thoughts.

Your Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims and to refuse reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

*nods enthusiastically* Yup, that's pretty much me.

In other news, late last night I posted a resume on Monster. It has already been viewed by one employer. Go me!


xnera: Photo of my cat sniffing a vase of roses  (Default)

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